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Reflections on Lewis Carroll’s Rule No. 5 about Letter Writing

Using Positive Reactive Reciprocity
to Reduce Conflict in Communication
by Jim Holbrook

Reciprocity is the turn-taking engine in communication. It is rocket fuel for negotiation.

Reciprocity is “the almost universal belief that people should be paid back for what they do, that one good (or bad) deed deserves another. This belief is held by people in primitive and not-so-primitive societies all around the world, and it serves as the grease that allows [negotiation] wheels to turn smoothly. Because people expect that their actions will be paid back in one form or another, influence is possible.” (1)

Reciprocity is usually reactive, i.e., people tend to respond in kind and degree to how others first treated them. However, reciprocity can be used proactively, i.e., persons can treat others first in the manner they want the others to react, thereby increasing the likelihood the others will respond in kind and degree to how they were first treated.

Reciprocity can be positive, i.e., paying back one good deed with another. It also can be negative, i.e., paying back one bad deed with another.

Therefore, there are four kinds of reciprocity:

• Positive proactive reciprocity (“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”)

• Positive reactive reciprocity (“Always return a favor.”)

• Negative proactive reciprocity (“Shoot first; ask questions later.”)

• Negative reactive reciprocity (“An eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth.”)

In his book on Letter-Writing, Lewis Carroll proposes a use of positive reactive reciprocity to reduce conflict in communication:

“If your friend makes a severe remark, either leave it unnoticed, or make your reply distinctly less severe: and if he makes a friendly remark, tending towards ‘making up’ the little difference that has arisen between you, let your reply be distinctly more friendly.” (2)
Lewis-Carroll-Life-Quotes

1. Allan R. Cohen & David L. Bradford, Influence without Authority: The Use of Alliances, Reciprocity, and Exchange to Accomplish Work, reprinted in NEGOTIATION READINGS, EXERCISES AND CASES (2nd ed.) edited by Roy J. Lewicki, et al. (Burr Ridge, Illinois: Richard D. Irwin, Inc., 1993) at 355.
2. Lewis Carroll, EIGHT OR NINE WISE WORDS ABOUT LETTER-WRITING (London: Emberlin and Son, 1890).


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