Vulnerability, Shame, Empathy, and Daring Greatly
Recently, one of my students told me to watch a TED talk by Brene Brown about vulnerability because as he put it,”It is awesome!” While watching this talk, I was deeply moved!
Here is the talk:
Feeling very inspired, I wrote down some of the things I learned from Brene Brown about vulnerability, shame and empathy.
1. The thing that unravels connection with others is shame.
2. Shame is universal and nobody wants to talk about it.
3. The one thing that keeps us from connections with others is our fear that we are not worthy of connection. This is shame.
4. Empathy is the antidote to shame. To connect with others and to show empathy toward others, we have to be willing to be vulnerable.
5. Vulnerability is the willingness to say something first like, “I love you.” It is the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees.
6. Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love.
7. Let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen.
8. Love with our whole hearts. Practice gratitude and joy.
9. Stop catastrophizing what might happen and stop and say, “I am just so grateful because to feel this vulnerable means that I am alive.”
10. If you lose the fight with vulnerability and surrender, you will get your life back.
11. Believe we are enough! No one expects you to be perfect. No one wants you to be perfect.
12. Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.
13. What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.
14. If we are going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is the way to do it.
15. Reach out, tell your story, be vulnerable, and dare greatly!
I just finished reading a story with a powerful related message. It is a wonderful chapter book that has so much heart. Wonder is a book about a fifth–grade boy named August (Auggie) Pullman who has Treacher Collins syndrome, a rare craniofacial deformality. Inside, he knows he’s like every other kid, but even after 27 surgeries, he bears facial disfigurations so pronounced that people who see him for the first time do “that look-away thing” — if they manage to hide their shock and horror. “Whatever you’re thinking, it’s probably worse,” he says of his face as the book begins. He’s used to the stares and mean comments, but he’s still terrified to learn that his parents have gotten him into middle school at Beecher Prep and want him to go there rather than be home-schooled. But they persuade him to give it a try — and by the time this rich and memorable novel is over, it’s not just Auggie but everyone around him who has changed (NY Times, Book Review).
According to the NY Times, “Perhaps Palacio’s most remarkable trick is leaving us with the impression that Auggie’s problems are surmountable in all the ways that count — that he is, in fact, in an enviable position.”
While reading this story, I reflected on the power of kindness, empathy, and vulnerability. I marveled at the power of shame and bullying. I was in awe of Auggie’s triumphs and ability to carry on. Thorough it all, he is championed by his friends, his family, and the reader, but ultimately it is up to him to to overcome extreme odds and dare greatly.
Inspiring Article! Wonder is a wonderful book about kindness, empathy, and vulnerability. Thank you!
I think I just really needed to read this today. I am so thankful you wrote this. I think I fall into this trap “9. Stop catastrophizing what might happen and stop and say, ‘I am just so grateful because to feel this vulnerable means that I am alive.'”
It’s a nice reminder to realize that everything is a choice. It’s a choice to be grateful, to be empathetic, to help be the antidote to not only yourself but others. And also that book seems like it was an amazing read. Thank you so much for this post.
I was watching ted on your post, from your website too, wow that was a really great story not only for those who suffered from vulnerability. for me my interception is the world collapses no offence but that’s true, with what we’ve seen on TV listen on radio or out world where you have must contact with others, the fact this one can prove something, he/her pretends he/he is better than you, and depends on how your emotion goes after what you every single day, makes you want to hide, I pay really close attention about the subject, you mention that too, on your highline..” courage,compation,connection,vulnerability” those are not existed, if there’s no communications ,and she mentions how struggled she were, and even seen a therapist, but that doesn’t work the right way she wanted it. it does make sence,what seems to be good or important for one folk it’s not for me, or someone else, there is so much paratransite,and brings the breakdown, and conflicts.. one more thing, she use and example about those political folks, she said there’s not debate or let’s sit and figure out what best, this party focus on blaming.. it’s about blame. I’m the best no you’re not I’m .whole-hearted for me it means give everything..
This is very interesting, my own father is a social worker as well. Her thoughts on shame are very interesting.
The video is very interesting: how connection is related to vulnerability/shame. No one likes feeling vulnerable. I know I don’t. It’s why I am the way I am. Yet even so, it doesn’t allow me to connect the way that I need to. It’s crazy to thing we need to make ourselves vulnerable in order to connect and make those relationships that make us happy. I don’t think most people realize that they are separating themselves emotionally and then it becomes second nature. Then they look back and think, “Where are all my friends? Why am I special?”
Love yourself enough to let yourself be you.
When I think of the times I showed vulnerability in my life I am reminded of both love and heartbreak. The way to create deep, true, and lasting friendships is in fact to let your guard down and become vulnerable to the person you are seeking a relationship with. Growing up I hid my emotions from family and friends. I’m sure this caused a lot of heartbreak for my mom who often had no idea what I was feeling or going through. I cannot honestly say why I did this. I was incredibly shy and most likely afraid of the judgement of others. I opened up more as I got older. This came especially when I moved here to Utah. I have met so many amazing and influential people while at College. I cannot imagine my life without a few of my best friends who have taught me so much about life and love. As I seek to better understand myself and create lasting relationships, I come to understand vulnerability. Though I sometimes put walls up to guard my heart, I know that it is better to try and be potentially knocked down, than to be left wondering. Letting another person in is one of the greatest things we can do for ourselves.
this post is about the TED
I’ve watched the video, that was so positive ..some point actually open my eyes more about listening..
.last time I felt really listened to and how did I really know ?
.I guess the might be a possibility u felt or know if there is an interest maybe on
both side.
.listen something ineffable
.reading & interpretation
.humility isn’t sexy
.spirit & passive
.inhale& excel
.listening & action are necessary partners
.every story might has a gorilla waiting in a corner
faking acting listening & faking your humanity
narrative competence
those are a few points that I choose from her expose to think a little about listening, everything has a cost, some people pretend there are listening to you unless there is a profit or reward waiting maybe. I’ve work with patient before ..time,attention and patient is a big deal about listening, she’s well explain the narrative humility ,how opening ourselves up to stories. the meaning of we see what we expect to see the same as hearing about stories. And listening is a matter of reaction, comprehend. And last thing narrative humility is the union among us to each step of listening
I think that this is a great concept that a lot of people fight. Being vulnerable is often seen as being weak. I sometimes fall into this trap. Opening up to another person is hard, especially when it is not guaranteed that everything will work out in that relationship. However, we are able to make deeper and more meaningful connections with people when we are vulnerable. The more vulnerable we are, the less fear we’ll have!
I have already watched this before and also her 6 hour lecture on this topic. the thing that i love the most about this besides the material is her story. Her story about trying to avoid vulnerability and trying to prove that you didn’t need vulnerability to be happy. She also makes the comment in her lectures about seeing other people “Play” was unnerving, she couldn’t understand why people would bother with stuff like this as she thought it was a waste of time. After all her research she found the complete opposite of what she was looking for and I thought that was awesome. Vulnerability is really the key to everything in life. The concept of “waiting for the other shoe to drop” is something that has really stuck with me as it is a mindset that we need to abolish in our lives. I do this with everything in my life and it doesn’t help me be more prepared for the negative things in life, it only makes life harder to deal with.
Thank you for sharing this! What stood out to me most was towards the end when she speaks about “loving with our whole hearts”. It’s amazing to think how many people in our lives and ourselves really hold back on this, and the difference it would make on our relationships if we change it. I never really understood the importance of being vulnerable and the impact in has on how we choose to relate to others. I am excited to use this knowledge and improve my interactions with others.
One thing that I thought was really interesting was how she tied vulnerability, shame and empathy all together. They are based off of each other and correlate with one another. I liked point #10. “If you lose the fight with vulnerability and surrender, you will get your life back.” I often associate vulnerability with a negative feeling and that being vulnerable won’t help you in any way. But reading this point you made it forced me to really think about it. I realized that once you let go of being afraid of being vulnerable your life really does become your own.
The points she made about connection were very interesting. When she mentioned that when you ask a person about connection and how people will respond with their disconnection stories, surprised me. As humans I feel like we are always trying to put our best foot forward and not let others see our weak sides. I know it is common when someone asks how your day went and even if it hasn’t gone well you still respond with, “great yours.” It is just interesting how we as humans try to limit ourselves from vulnerability.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” i loved this part of your post. As an actor, I have experienced this several times. And yet, the world tells us to be vulnerable is weak, so each of us grow up behind this giant wall of insecurity because we don’t want others to know how vulnerable we are. Yes, being vulnerable is terrifying, but once you allow yourselves to be so, you discover facets of yourself that you probably would discover otherwise.
My favorite thing that she said had to do with being vulnerable puts us in a position to possibly feel shame or embarassment, but if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable we have the possibility to experience joy. It’s funny how getting out of our comfort zone can be so scary, but I guess it’s necassary if you want to be able to experience those positive emotions that were described in the video.
I really enjoy these TED talks and am thankful that I have been exposed to them in class. Concerning this video the things touched on surrounding shame I found very interesting. Shame is universal, we all feel shameful at times and I believe everyone naturally tries to hide it. I also think that vulnerability is needed to make real connections. We live in a society that can be very superficial and people lack a needed vulnerability. Without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable we cheat ourselves from what could turn into as very deep and meaningful relationships with others.
this radio lab talk show was so hilarious ,we know deception is the knowing and intentional transmission of in formation to create a false belief in the hearer.. and we wondering how could a snake has the capability to do a such a thing, play dead, bluffing ,vomit blood wow that’s amazing, just because of a chicken puppet…the snake those so much thing that really interesting to me.how a snake can lie lol
Vulnerability is a terrifying! It’s really hard for me to be vulnerable with anyone and this Ted talk really opened my eyes about how necessary it is in order to have meaningful relationships. Its hard to get out of your comfort zone and let people see that side of you, but she says if you do you will experience joy. I know how important it is to have connections with others and to love them openly and this video really shows how necessary this is. I’m going to consciously make an effort to be more vulnerable and open up to others because of it.
In the past couple of years I’ve come up with my own idea that’s related to the video about shame. I would even use the word wholehearted. I believe that if you put 100% of yourself into what ever it is you are doing-work, school, relationships-then you will get 100% back. That means good or bad, all the happiness, satisfaction, disappointment, and pain will come back to you 100% as well. If you choose to just put 50% of yourself, you’ll only get 50% back as well. But if you live wholeheartedly, deeply, and richly, you will have a deep, rich, and satisfying life. It is better that way. The lowest lows, make the highest highs.
deception
Life to oneself. First I never thought about it this way. but while listening to the radio lab talk show, I can imagine that it really happen to me almost all the time. I always feel like there’s so many sounds to my hear, I always think I can not do something specially if it’s bad, like they used in the show. enjoyed your ball movement. or never thought on kidnap someone, one being kidnap. if I’ve been asked that question, of course I’ll say no. and the example the used on the talk, like pushing the button to choose your voice, and it’s hard to recognize it. but in real life it does happen. for me 80% out of time. this is real
It was very interesting to me that you noted “Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity…” I enjoy painting and drawing and I find this coincides with every piece of my artwork. I’m vulnerable, therefore I have feelings and these feelings are what I put into my artwork as well as what I try to portray in every piece.
The book is that’s mentioned reminded me of one of my old friends from Elementary School, he was paralyzed and had to use a wheelchair and have someone there at all times to help out. It was a little surprising when you first met him but he’s the same inside and enjoyed pulling pranks and having fun. I couldn’t imagine what he must go through but is still able to keep a good attitude about everything in life. I think everyone can easily learn something from them.
I found this to be very interesting and like some other people have said, I haven’t really heard of this or thought about vulnerability in that way. I think it’s important to be vulnerable in that sense, in that we need to be open and willing to learn new things, meet new people, and be open minded. I really liked your bullet point number seven where you mentioned the different ways of being seen. At the end when you mentioned being vulnerably seen. To me I feel that is humbling in the sense that when we are seen in that way we are humble and willing to learn.
I loved this! It is sad to think that sometimes we correlate vulnerability with weakness. I took from it that we need to believe that we are “enough” just as you had noted down. I have noticed in my life when i feel vulnerable i often think i need to “man up” or something stupid like that, but I am coming to realize that being vulnerable is a good thing
In the end, vulnerability brings power. Yes it brings its share of what ifs and risks to be faced with taking. But as we expose ourselves and are put into vulnerable situations we are forced to grow. Someone once said that there is no comfort in the growth zone and no growth in the comfort zone. From vulnerability we learn things about ourselves. We learn that we can. We learn that we can try, we learn that we can not succeed, but that we can try again. Life is not over after a failure, its just a new starting place.
Life will always be an uphill battle. When we take that step up the hill we know we might slide back down, but we also know that we might make it a step further. Its he that takes the 1st step that reaches the summit.
In relation to hazards and disasters, vulnerability is a concept that links the relationship that people have with their environment to social forces and institutions and the cultural values that sustain and contest them. but my concern about vulnerability is can people live without it? is deception is a part of vulnerability ? why people shame of themselves even when they are guilty about the facts,can vulnerability is a part of all situations too… for me it’s very clear, and meaningful to be succeed you have to be vulnerable , confront all the facts .lows and highs
I loved reading this, I think that I have had the hardest time being vulnerable with current relationships and new relations ships. In my mind and probably the rest of people connect vulnerability with being week. Me being such a out going person and trying expand myself as a young professional and in school you really don’t want people to see you as a week person. After reading this I notice that by being vulnerable there are a lot of good things that can happen in the professional world and in my personal life by being vulnerable. Great article!!
This Ladies talk was truly amazing. She really captures the thoughts that we as humans go through. I feel like we all at some point in time feel like we are “weak” when in all actuality we have had a vulnerable moment. Those vulnerable moments have to be some of the most beautiful moments we have. Those true, raw moments where we just feel. She also just captures the reasons we don’t like being vulnerable very well, especially with the whole shame bit. Shame stops the process where as empathy makes the process. LOVE this TED talk.
1. The thing that unravels connection with others is shame.
2. Shame is universal and nobody wants to talk about it.
I loved these points! They really reminded of me when I was in high school. I really struggled to make friends because of the shame I was going through, and I wasn’t willing to ask for help with that shame with anyone. It honestly felt like a wall was put up between myself and my friends and family. It took years of struggling before I was able to overcome (“overcome” is probably a strong word, more like “started to actually deal with it”)what I was going through, and now that I am older and more mature I have had a much easier time connecting with my friends and family.
I absolutely loved this post, it was just what I needed to hear. I am typically a very vulnerable person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and am not afraid to give you my whole heart if you ask for it. At least, that’s how I used to be until I started to “grow up” and realized the fear and heartbreak that can come from being vulnerable. I’ve found myself lately letting the fear of being vulnerable get the best of me. Whether it is with work, school, hobbies, and my relationships I can really see the negative effects it has on my life. Like you said “6. Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love.” and I can’t wait to find that vulnerability in myself again.
I was just going to watch this video for extra credit, but I was very surprised to find that it was something that needed to be heard right now. In the beginning, she makes the comment that “the ability to feel connected is the main reason that we are here,” and that is the mindset that I kept while watching the rest of her “storytelling-research”. Some of the main things that I took away from this, with keeping the mindset of connection, is that I need to really focus on stopping the negative responses that come and to try to break away from the shame that all of us as humans feel. Because disconnection can be something that has the meaning that we aren’t enough, I thought of the different ways that I feel of those unworthy and helpless feelings and decided that I was not going to let those things into my life anymore, and if they did come into my life I was not going to sink under the radar and pretend that I am someone different. Another question that rang loud in my head goes along with the number 13 on your list, where you said “what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.” I really loved that. When she was talking about the sense of worthiness, was that why do people not feel worthy enough for love? Why do I feel unworthy of love, and am I a vulnerable person? I am going to work on being “Beautifully vulnerable” and to be who I AM with my whole heart, and accept my imperfections and invest in the things that I have feelings for. GREAT watch and what an awesome storyteller researcher.
This really hit me hard. I feel at this point in my life that I am extremely vulnerable. Many things have happened in these past few months, that have made me feel like I am disconnected from other people. Now I know that it is because I am hiding stuff from others. Like what she said, I feel like if anyone found out what I am going through then I wouldn’t be able to connect to my family or friends.
Thank you for finding this talk. It was a big eye opener.
I believe this article hits us all harder than we’d like to admit. In a society where a vast majority of “communication” takes place over social networks, text messages, and phone calls, its especially hard to not get caught inside one’s own head. More often than not we simply over-think things; I know I do. Being caught up in our own thoughts can lead to self doubt or thoughts of worthlessness, or as Brene puts it, shame. I think if we simply dare to get out of our own heads sometimes, we will realize that there is nothing to be ashamed about. We simply need to be realistic with ourselves sometimes and break out of our comfort zones more often.
This was a very powerful talk that really hit me! I love how you mentioned Wonder, I read it a few semesters ago and loved every minute of it! I feel like the TED talk and the book work hand-in-hand very well! I believe Auggie wouldn’t be the only person in the book that could relate to what Brene Brown says. Almost everything you touched on can be applied to this book, I feel like if anyone wants to understand or needs help understand vulnerability, shame and empathy they should read Wonder!
This was very eye opening. For one, I didn’t even realize that therapists had special therapists to see. And it’s really eye opening to realize I’m not the only one who struggles with feeling worth it. With the struggles comes pain, but also joy. It’s hard, but if we plow through the crap in life, we can feel the amazing happiness that’s waiting for us. We simply have to avoid the numbing agents and keep on keeping on. We are worth it. This Ted Talk really struck home for me.
This article puts our world into a new perspective for me. With all the technological advances ( iPads, iPhones, iEverything) it inhibits our growth in a way that we are restricted in becoming vulnerable. Texting, Facebook, Twitter, really any kind of social media that incorporates any of these technologies, gives an individual a way to hide shame, to avoid becoming vulnerable, to really grow from these experiences. I really enjoyed the insight!
Wow! She has an amazing way of putting it out there. I have never thought of shame as a disconnection and feeling you are not enough. What a powerful thing to realize that vulnerability and shame are so closely connected. I love where she talks about how the whole hearted live, and that their vulnerability is their beauty. I know that I have always looked on vulnerability as weakness, and when I feel vulnerable I am uncomfortable. When people see us in a vulnerable state we almost seem to fear them. We think that they hold something against us, and hold a secret. Vulnerability is something we as a people struggle with, and until now I never realized how we numb vulnerability and shame, but in doing so we numb joy. Instead of numbing vulnerability we come to embrace it and have courage to tell the story of who we are with our whole heart. Thank you for sharing it was truly inspiring.
Being vulnerable is one of the most difficult things to do. I liked what you said about how “Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love.” In order to have those deeper emotions, you have to let yourself be vulnerable first in order to get to the good stuff. Thank you for sharing!
From what I have read about the book Wonder, it seems to be a book about stepping out and becoming vulnerable. I think too often too many people forsake their dreams because they fear the risk that follows. Every decision we make is calculated based on risk vs. benefits. What Brown is trying to teach us is that we need to be more willing to overcome risk. If we want something, we should go for it. That, I think, is an important aspect of vulnerability.
It’s outstanding how making yourself vulnerable can open so many windows with a new perspective on life. I actually read Wonder before and was moved by the life of Auggie. I didn’t look at the aspect of vulnerability in this way until after Brene Brown illustrated it. I can’t imagine what the people like Auggie have to go through on a day to day basis and constantly making themselves vulnerable. It put a new outlook for me and gives me motivation to be mindful of others in their vulnerable stages and looking at myself in that aspect as well.
This is one of the most influential TED talks I have watched. I think what shocked me the most was how vulnerable she was actually being by giving this talk. It wasn’t something that she was generally comfortable with, therefore demonstrating her point (then again brought up in her follow-up speech).
I think the most interesting thing brought up to me was the difference between shame and guilt. I think we often mistakenly use the two interchangeably which she brings up is incorrect. Shame is where you think the fault lies with inside of you and guilt is where you know you’ve done something wrong but that doesn’t mean that you are a bad person because of it. (Shame: I am bad; Guilt: I’ve done something bad.)
I loved Brene Brown. vulnerability is very hard for me and is something that I am working on within myself. I have more walls then Mother Goose has stories. shame and guilt do play a part in the walls I have made. I think sometimes people confuse the two I know I did in the past. Vulnerability is hard but without it relationships have a hard time growing and can tend to be a hard relationship top be in.
I loved this clip and that vulnerability is not weakness. I have been blessed with this quality and it has served me well, but there have been many times in my life it has lift me exposed and feeling violated. I love that Brene says, “Vulnerability makes you beautiful,” because I have felt that my vulnerability has been a character flaw. Brene’s message has given me great validation, that it’s okay to be vulnerable and great motivation to keep moving forward in my challenges. I feel when we share deeply it gives hope to others that are struggling.
This is probably the most inspiring TED talk that I have ever watched. I really love that you shared this with us in class the other day. It was so inspiring! I am one of those people who sees vulnerability as weakness, but then wonders why life isn’t as fulfilling as I’d like it to be, and I understand that vulnerability is necessary, but I had never seen being vulnerable as being courageous before, and it was so nice to talk to classmates about this video after, and see things from a new perspective.
As I think of the TED Talks again that Brene Brown did and then thinking of these points that you made and the book reference, it makes me wonder if I am vulnerable enough. I feel like I do things that make me show who I am and be happy about it, and do things that I figure are stacked against me or will make me vulnerable, but then I know loads of times i shied away from doing things because I didn’t want to put myself out there that much. I think a lot of the points Brene made are awesome because you really do need to just take chances and see what happens and be happy that you went for it too. It is amazing to think of Vulnerability and Shame in that way.
This was very eye opening to me. Thinking about “Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love” made me realize how much time I have lost because of being afraid of being vulnerable. I can honestly say that this has changed the way I approach things and makes me want to put myself out there more often, without wasting any more time.
The one thing that keeps us from connections with others is our fear that we are not worthy of connection. This is shame.
As we become more vulnerable we will be championed by our loved ones, but ultimately it is up to us to overcome extreme odds and dare greatly.
I liked how she said “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change” because this is actually true. In order to innovate something you need to get out of your comfort zone and be vulnerable and open to criticism from people that their intent is to put you and your idea down. vulnerability can be a great asset to you if you know how to manage it wisely. ones your vulnerable you open your self to knew possibilities there are things that we see, but, at the same time we don’t see until we see through somebody else s eyes to open ours.
Great thoughts from Brene Brown, clearly she has a bright mind. Vulnerability isn’t a curse, it is a gift!
This hits home a lot for me. As a guy I feel like most times we feel like we can’t be vulnerable. This is a sign of weakness this is a sign of hopelessness and frankly being embarrassed by it as well. This article is great on how to overcome this perspective of being burnable.