Learning about Conflict
In studying conflict, one of the most insightful researchers I have discovered is John Gottman. I find his relationship research fascinating, particularly when he writes about conflict. Conventional wisdom might suggest that frequency of conflict in a relationship is the best way to tell if a couple will last. In fact, Gottman’s research has found otherwise. According to Gottman it is how couples argue not the frequency that predicts their chances of staying together.
Gottman’s work has identified the four most problematic communication behaviors during a conflict. He calls these behaviors the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” to indicate that they signal distress.
1. Criticism is attacking of your loved one’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong.
My thoughts on criticism: One of my favorite lines from the book, A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, says, “I’d far rather be happy than right any day.” Sometimes when we are in an argument it feels really important to be “right” at any cost. However, often the cost is too high when our actions become destructive to our relationships. The question is what do we really want? Hurting our loved ones is too high of a price to pay for the satisfaction of feeling right.
2. Contempt is attacking our loved one’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her (e.g., insults, name-calling, hostile humor, sarcasm, mockery, negative body language–sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip.).
My thoughts on contempt: there is nothing more destructive or mean, for that matter, than attacking your loved one’s self worth. It is clearly problematic to the relationship and tends to lead to more hostility, anger, and conflict.
3. Defensiveness is seeing oneself as the victim and not taking responsibility for your behaviors. When we are in a defensive mode we cross complain (i.e., we meet other’s complaints with a complaint of our own, criticism, or ignoring what was said). We also make “Yes-but” comments, whine, and repeat our point without paying attention to what the other person has said.
My thoughts on defensiveness: sometimes we think it is important to defend ourselves against what we perceive as an attack against us. In some cases, this is true. However, overall, we need to be aware that defensiveness is considered a problematic behavior that is not productive or useful in resolving conflicts and improving our relationships. We therefore must be mindful of defensive posturing and self-victimization during our communication because these behaviors can lead to the collapse of meaningful relationships.
4. Stonewalling is withdrawing from a relationship as a way to avoid conflict. It may seem that you are withdrawing in order to “stay neutral” but stonewalling is actually far from neutral. It conveys a clear message of disapproval, iciness, distance, separation, disconnection and smugness. It is often conveyed as: stony silence, monosyllabic mutterings, changing of the subject, removing yourself physically/emotionally, silent treatment.
My thoughts on stonewalling: I consider this a passive aggressive behavior that is far from kind and/or productive in a conflict scenario. Silence can be a useful tool in communication unless it is used in the form of stonewalling. When one person in a relationship chooses to stonewall, it becomes almost impossible for the couple to resolve their disagreement. Interestingly, research has shown that when husbands stonewall during a conflict, their wives often experience significant increases in the stress hormones cortisol and norepinephrine (Manusov and Harvey 2001).
Gottman firmly asserts that these four conflict behaviors: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, most often lead to the collapse of a relationship. I agree with this assertion. Luckily for us, Gottman gives us some helpful strategies for making the most out of our relationships.
We need to work toward a “Sound Relationship House”
In a world full of conflict and negativity, there is a wonderful picture book that illuminates the power of positive communication. This book is called “Because Amelia Smiled” by David Ezra Stein. With a ripple effect, one young girl’s smile brightens up an entire community. This is a book that illustrates the concept of “paying it forward.” I truly believe that in the midst of conflict and contention, we can change the course of a conversation by first being aware of HOW we are communicating and identifying whether it is a problematic behavior or not. If we follow the law of reciprocity and choose positivity and kindness, like Amelia’s smile, we will go a long way in creating a better outcome for everyone involved.
I love Gottman! His work is so fascinating and I really think so important to imply into our daily lives. It really like his model of the sound house relationship and also his warning signs of what not to do when you are in an argument. I hope to use the suggestions that Gottman has given to improve my own relationships with others.
I love that Gottman tells us what not to do in a relationship, he also gives us what we need to do. First the negatives followed by the positives, I love it. Sometimes, I just have no idea what I need to do to fix a communication problem or that I was actually taking part in some of those destructive behaviors. Its great to have a model of what you can try to repair a relationship.
I could not agree more with Gottman’s four conflict behaviors that are destroying relationships. I feel like the four behaviors listed really sum of all the behaviors that ruin relationships.The behavior I enjoy most is stonewalling. I feel like many people, myself included stonewall people and think it is ok because it is better than yelling at the other person, offending them, sharing your feelings, etc. I have recently learned just how detrimental stonewalling can be and also how uneffective it is. Stonewalling only makes the situation worse. Gottman’s work is awesome and I hope that I can try harder to avoid the four behaviors that harm relationships.
I really found Gottman’s stance on defensiveness interesting. I don’t believe it’s necessary that we simply take responsibility for things, but rather that we stop formulating defenses like we’re in trouble and simply listen. If you listen to what someone is REALLY saying, you’re much likelier to get to the root of the problem, if there is one. However, that may mean something you have done or are doing is the problem and in that case you should take responsibility!
I really love Gottman and feel like all of his points are very important. One thing that really stood out to me was that it doesn’t take all four to ruin a relationship. Even though I feel like I am really good at three out of the four, I tend to be very defensive all the time! This has become a problem with some of the people I associate with. I really love how Gottman says to take responsibility, it really makes me understand that I need to make sure that I am focusing on what I can do to improve instead of worrying about what the other person is finding wrong with me and how I can make excuses to defend myself.
I found stone walling an interesting concept when reflecting how it is a passive aggressive behavior. Though this behavior maybe perceived as non-confrontational, in some cases it’s conveyed message and impressed feelings of iciness can be as loud as someone physically standing in your face and yelling. Like any conflict between two people, there are ways to overcome situations like this.
This really simplifies things for me. It makes total sense. I realized that if I simply hold negative feelings for someone, and let it trump how much I really care about them, it causes all these things to happen. Creating awareness helps prevent it. Gottman knows what he’s talking about!
I thought one interesting layer of Gottman’s sound relationship “house” was making life dreams come true. To me, this is the “why” of relationships, not the what. Our relationships should be “why”-centered. The main thing I have gotten from Gottman’s research is to have elevated relationships. If you see relationships as just a functional tool, a “what,” then you only get the minimal amount of inspiration out of your relationship. When you view your relationships as a “why,” or a way for you and your partner to achieve dreams and live life to the fullest, then can you get the best and most out of your relationships, and your conflicts will be less damaging because you remember why you are in this relationship.
I love Gottman! He maps out these destroying factors in relationships so well. I have definitely found myself a victim of a few of these. His idea of the love maps in the sound relationship house was so interesting as well.
I really appreciate what Gottman has to say. He’s not just like the marriage counselor, but a marriage counselor for people dating. I really like how there is a lot more to a relationship then the two individuals. I really enjoyed the aspect of defensiveness, and how people in relationships are always confounding each other in their words rather than focusing on the relationship and making it work. It was very enlightening.
I really enjoy Gottman’s work as well! I find it so interesting along with that I also agree with it. Communication in relationships as we know, is crucial and so naturally, the way we communicate would be crucial as well. Having positive communication strengthens relationships where on the contrary, negative communication (such as the four horsemen of the apocalypse) would have a crippling effect on the relationship.
Gottman was awesome. I agree with his thinking about conflict in relationships. my had many of these bad conflict ways. but over time has improved due to we now fight fair and respectful which has led to less fights. criticism, contempt, defensiveness are very destructive and have no place in a good relationship.
Gottman is amazing. His view and thought process of conflict in relationships is something to truly think about. Being the oldest child, I am no stranger to conflict. However Gottman has changed the way I look at conflict. I love how he says we do not always have to be right. I know for me I sometimes get caught up in always wanting to be right, and not thinking about the effect it has on the relationship. I really agree agree with the idea of “I’d rather be happy than right any day.” As we focus on our relationships and keeping them at peace our overall lives will be blessed.
This really puts things into a new perspective. Gottman does an amazing job at helping people to look at conflict objectively, and really think about what is causing it, and how these negative feelings impact our lives as well as the lives of the ones we love that we may be in a conflict with. I think a lot of times we don’t even realize we have these negative feelings, or that we are participating in some of these destructive behaviors, and it is so important to realize it when we are.
For a little while I was nervous, because in my family, and I even know this of myself, I am the defensive one. Mostly because I always feel, but know I have actually had, a rough past full of bullying and other mean things and so I have always tried to defend myself against anything negative. As of the last odd number of years, I started to see that it is better to accept when I did something wrong and hope that as the situation unravels, it’ll all work out. So I am glad that is the way to cure defensiveness. Means there is hope for me!
While reading this article, I realized how sometimes I tend to fall under these behaviors, without realizing it. At work, I try to be as professional as possible, but tend to be very defensive when feedback is provided to me. At that particular moment I always take it as I am being singled out and start responding like I am accusing someone else. This is something that I have improved on over the years, to accept my mistakes and try to improve at them.
Most of my life, I was taught to think not only, conflict bad, but even worst. I felt I also need to prove myself right, and prove others wrong.
Conflict is so important and can be very healthy.
having conflicts might seem like a bad thing to most people but is where you can grow and learn the most by embracing it instead of talking back to it. Accepting criticism can be hard at first however it is a way to reflect on the things that you might be doing rite or wrong through somebody else eyes and is your opportunity to be humble.
Very interesting, and good to know! I am not married, but that is the goal for the future, this will be great stuff to know!
With Stonewalling I have had personal experiences in relationships where they would not talk to you if they were any sort of upset with you. You couldn’t apologize if you didn’t know what you did or if they would just shut you out completely. Sometimes it can get very annoying and ending up losing a friendship or relationship.
I think that the cover for this stericha two little girls fighting which if you ask me is the a pitta me of conflict. I think this is a great article considering a lot of people have issues when it comes to conflict as that they can’t get their point across.