Don’t Communicate like a Chicken
I believe that communication can change the world, even if it is just one conversation at a time.
Communication can build relationships, heal communities, mend fences, repair broken hearts, lift souls, alleviate pain and suffering, rebuild, restore, improve and renew peoples, communities, culture and nations.
Unfortunately, it can also be as equally destructive and hurtful. It can tear families apart, damage others, shatter lives, sabotage relationships, erase identities, crush souls, and destroy communities, cultures, and nations.
It is that powerful and that is why I care about it so much. The problem is that often we don’t work hard enough on our communication. We take it for granted or focus on other things or we are rude and disrespectful when we communicate. We are like the chicken in the picture book, Interrupting Chicken.
Sometimes the problem is that we are busy trying to fix the other person in the relationship. We think we are being helpful but we are not. We spend to much time criticizing the other person. Does this sound familiar, “If only, you would stop doing this…” or “You need to do this better…” This style of communication is counterproductive. It is belittling and destructive to the relationship.
There are better ways to communicate!
Five Ways to Improve our Communication:
1. Reciprocity: Communicate unto others the way in which you would like them to communicate unto you. Do you really want someone telling you all of your faults all of the time? Wouldn’t you rather have someone appreciate you, care about you, love you?
2. Ask yourself what you really want–really! If we are honest, we usually want to be “right!” –at whatever cost. This is not useful. Most of us have a lot of pride and ego involved in our communication. However, the cost of being “right” is too high! What most of us really want most of the time is: love, kindness, happiness, and a healthy relationship–our communication needs to facilitate these things not hinder them! Don’t be a “right fighter.” Being right usually equals being alone and sad.
3. Remember the power of reframing! If a conversation is not going the right way (anger, tears, relationship destruction), try something new! Anything new! You have the power to change the course of a conversation from negative to positive! You really do! I promise!
4. Fight for a healthy relationship! Don’t give in. Don’t fall into apathy and indifference. Laziness in communication threatens relationships.
5. Imagine a better way! Use visualization techniques to improve your communication and then try it. Also, ask your partner to imagine a better way (sincerely with an open mind) and then talk about it! Don’t be afraid to talk about communication. This is a focus on meta-communication and an effort to make improvements.
These strategies can help us improve our communication.
It is within our reach.
I really liked this post. I am printing this to keep on file so that I can refer to it in the future. Sometimes when I talk to my wife about her business I find myself getting really worked up because I want her to see my vision on how she can make simple changes to improve what she does. I am right fighting when I should just be there to help her as I can. Share my ideas, and assist her as she asks.
Awesome Steve! Thanks for the comment!
Wow, I love this!! This is something to always remember. We already know our faults, we know the things we need to work on and change about ourselves. We don’t need other people telling us what we’re doing wrong or what we need to change, we already know.
I try to look at myself first and focus on things I could change to make the relationship better. I ask myself, “is there something I could do differently to help this relationship?”
I know too many people who complain about others. Then I find out they haven’t even talked to them about it. People can’t read your mind, if you have a problem and you can’t just let it go, then talk to them about it. Being fake towards the person isn’t going to fix the relationship.
So true Jessica! Thanks for all of your comments!!! They are great!
this is something ive been working on myself. Communication isn’t a problem for me but sometimes i seem to have a problem communicating with other people. These tips will help allot with that.
I think to often we all think that we are excellent communicators and forget that sometimes we need to step back and look at our communication skills and find ways we can improve them. I believe that you can always improve the way you communication in any relationship and with improving communication you improve the relationship and make it stronger. This post was a great reminder that we all need some improvement in the ways we communicate.
I really like number two about being right. Most of the time, we need to learn to keep our pride at bay and really try in our relationships just as number 4 says. This is with every relationship, not just our significant other. I have seen this proven in my soon to be sister in law. She isn’t married and has been alone for quite some time now, and it is very hard to have a meaningful conversation with her because she has grown to know that whatever she thinks is right because she doesnt have anyone else there to tell her something different. I think of the word opinionated. This is very harmful in communication because they can already tell what that persons answer is going to be, and sometimes others just dont want to hear it. I am still in the process of number 4, fighting for a healthy relationship with her, besides her opinionated pride.
I find the second point to be the most important. A lot of times conversation turns into a challenge for me. I forget that I am trying to make a point and become focused on simply winning the debate at hand. If I can keep in mind what I really want then I can refrain from saying and doing things just to win a debate. If I am focused on keeping a good relationship and getting somewhere over making a point then I will not continue to one up a conversation.
My fiance does all of these things. He’s an incredible communicator and I am absolutely horrid at it all. The many different ways he approaches things, the times he realizes he’s wrong (or even the times he knows he’s right and lets me “win” anyway) and just lets everything go, how often his words put me under a spell after all this time… So reading this just makes me want to be that much better! I need to take a few of these points to heart and change some things up!
Amazing, this article says it all in so many simple ways. I’ve been battling with my teenage daughter over her home work not being turned in, and I’ve been trying to not be so negative and confrontational. I love #3
3. Remember the power of reframing! If a conversation is not going the right way (anger, tears, relationship destruction), try something new! Anything new! You have the power to change the course of a conversation from negative to positive! You really do! I promise!
I will focus on reframing.
I Believe point #2 is the most important and the one that I have struggle the most with, sometimes its hard to be humble and eat your ego at times especially when the other person is trying to be dominant and thinks they know it all. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to change someone and just criticizing the individual when in reality there claiming for you help to help them change you cant change someone by just telling them what is wrong you need to walk with them and teaching them how to change what they are trying to change.
I agree with Mike. I, too find myself losing sight of the purpose of the conversation, and end up just fighting to be right all the time. Being a very “red personality” according to Hartman’s color-code personality test, I am one of those people who always has to be right, and even if I realize that I am wrong I will continue to argue my point just so I can win. I think it’s important for me to realize that I have that tendency to want to “one-up” people, and I need to learn to stop it when it happens so I don’t destroy my relationships.