The Power of Hugs!
Recently some of my students used a You Tube video, made by students from our University, to explain the concept of Affection Exchange Theory. The video is a great example of this theory and it also is very entertaining because of the way students violate this particular social norm. I love to watch the students’ various reactions:
While, watching this video, I wondered: “What would I do in this situation?” Part of me wonders if I would have been startled and acted confused or upset. (A friend who is a lawyer said that the unwelcome touching of a stranger may be regarded as an “assault.”) Another part of me hopes I would have gone along with it and enjoyed the moment!
As I have reflected on this video, I have thought about two interpersonal communication theories: Attraction Theory and Affection Exchange Theory. These theories help provide answers to the questions: “What attracts people to one another?” and “When does it become ‘okay’ to show someone affection?”
Attraction Theory helps us understand why we are drawn to certain people. There are three forces that make up attraction: physical, social, and task attraction. Physical attraction has to do with attraction to someone’s looks, social attraction has to do with being attracted to someone’s personality, and task attraction is attraction based on someone’s abilities and dependability. There are a variety of qualities that can spark these forces of attraction, but researchers suggest that four factors are especially powerful:
• Personal appearance: physical looks
• Proximity: how close people live or work and how often they interact
• Similarity: how much people have in common
• Complementarity: how different people are from one another (opposites attract)
Interpersonal researchers Neimeyer and Mitchell (1988) found that having similar personalities and ways of looking at the world was the strongest predictor of whether participants remained in a relationship after the initial attraction.
Another important element to the success of a relationship beyond initial attraction is affection exchange. Interpersonal researcher Floyd (2001) explains, “affection exchange theory treats affectionate communication as an adaptive behavior that contributes to humans’ long-term viability and procreative success” (p. 40). He also states that affection exchange contributes to survival because it promotes pair bonding and the increased access to resources pair bonds provide.” Affection Exchange Theory also argues that the exchange of affection serves as an indicator to another individual that he or she is a good prospect for parenthood (Floyd, 2001). Finally, Floyd argues that when parents show affection to their children, their children are more likely to be successful in reproducing, thus ensuring that the parents’ genes will be passed to future generations (Floyd, 2001).
Affection has long been considered a fundamental human need (Burgon and Hale, 1984). Empirical research has shown that highly affectionate people are advantaged in psychological, mental, emotional, social, and relational ways, relative to those who communicate little affection to others.
So what do we learn from this: Hugs make us happy and healthy!
There is a darling picture book called, “Hug” by Jez Alborough, about a little chimp who wants a hug. But his friends don’t seem to understand. “Hug,” he implores, time and again. Time and again his jungle friends are puzzled and cuddle with their jungle mothers. As the lonely chimp’s plea escalates, his friends grow concerned. Eventually, he finds the perfect hug!
Oh my gosh me and my friend were just talking about this a couple of weeks ago. Somehow we got on the topic of relationships and meeting new people and when we find out we’re actually friends. I told her I don’t consider people my friends until I’ve talked to them a lot and have known them awhile, and she said that one of her close friends called her her best friend within the first week and she was surprised by that, because they hadn’t known each other for very long. I also noticed that I’m drawn to the same types of people. All my friends are really similar to each other. Some people I’m able to talk to a lot and others I can talk to them, I just don’t ever get into deep meaningful conversations with them.
This article actually made me think back to time when I had just met my current boyfriend -we have been dating now for 4+ years.
For him, the attraction theory, that you mentioned earlier in your article, took place first (which undeniably made him want to pursue me, and get to know me better more as an individual.)
BUT… as for me, I had no beginning attraction for him whatsoever -& perhaps this was because at that time I was only fifteen years old, and I still considered boys as gross individuals. (:
But anyways, It wasn’t until the first time he practically “force” hugged me that I started to realize, “Hey! I actually like this boy.”
So reading this was interesting for me & him to look back on and reflect on how different our beginning sparks occurred for one another.
By the way, I discussed this article with him earlier today, and we came to a mutual conclusion that his first spark of interest came through the attraction theory and then later on the affection theory developed more so. Whereas mine began through the affection theory and likewise developed in the attraction theory later on.
Perhaps this is a common occurrence for most male and female relationships when they are just starting to build a potential relationship. Now that we have been dating for so long, we both see a mixture of affection and attraction, rather than one taking place first and the other following along -if all of this makes any sense (:
Anyways great article, we loved it, and it definitely gave us things to think about.
i loved that video, although i’m not sure i would have loved having it happen to me.
i feel like affection is a way of ‘putting ourselves on the line.’ just as you share personal information and risk being turned down, or having the sharing not be reciprocated, when you are affectionate to someone, or encourage affection, you risk being shut down as well. however, while you risk that, you also open yourself up to a closer relationship through physical touch.
i feel like the ability to feel comfortable hugging someone, or touching them on the arm while you talk to them shows a level of intimacy that is communicated through that touch.
This post made me think about my work at the Missionary Training Center with missionaries preparing to go to Italy. It is proper for me to hug the sister missionaries and shake the elder’s hand. It is not unusual for me to hug the sister missionaries several times when I am with them. There is a real need to have the affirmation that comes with a hug.
I love videos of people breaking social norms. My friend and I used to do this during high school just random things that were out of the ordinary. It is amazing that something so little can make people so uncomfortable.
The whole idea of being grabbed out of the blue from strangers is a very dangerous thing, unfortunately, in this day and age. With people being hyper-aware and over reactive regarding personal space the out of the blue touching or grabbing can be almost like taking your life into your own hands.
I understand that other cultures are fine with the practice but here you can get sued, arrested, or worse you could end up in an altercation or killed. Speaking from a stand point of a veteran if someone was to due that I would react and would hopefully be able to recognize there was not a threat. I truly feel that un solicited touching is not only a violation of personal space but an open invitation to other possible and less desirable out comes.
I like this video and specially reaction of people. I think hug creates a connection that we cannot express in words but some people are not comfortable with physical embrace. I do it with people I know especially when I am going far away from the people I close to. At that time I have no words and can express my feeling from hug.
It is incredible the power a hug can do for someones attitude. Even though it isn’t the most common form of affection just a smile or a kind word could go a long way to help someone feel better. It is interesting to think of how the attraction theory works out and I feel that as you go about trying to get closer to others you will only improve how you interact with others which will help others to become more attracted to you.
I know the guy who made this video. He has a whole series of videos he has made where he finds ways to mess with people. He is really funny. I think it is a bad habit to fake affectionate actions. I think this should only be reserved for true affection. On a side note, I feel that people’s reactions depend on three different things. The first one is the person’s sense of humor. The second one is what kind of mood they are in. The third one is how attractive they are to the person doing something like that to them.
I really like this. I find hugs really make me feel better if I am having a bad day. Even a smile can change my whole day. It is a seems like a simply enough thing but it has more power than we realize. I find it is more powerful if a friend gives you a hug but I have been hugged by a complete stranger before and it made my day better.
I thought this video was funny! I could only imagine how shocked I would be if someone came up to me and tried to hold my hand. I would jerk my hand away like most everyone in the video did, then, if they explained what they were doing, I would laugh and be ok with it. I was surprised with the ones who did allow him to hold their hand. I am not that open which is good and bad, but like someone else commented, that’s a part of our culture. It would be a fun experiment to do in a country like South America where they are very affectionate. I bet there would be more people who wouldn’t be surprised if someone came up and held your hand.
It’s so funny to see how people react to breaking social norms. There are countries where friends (even two male friends) will hold hands when they are walking together and kissing one another on the cheek is as normal as shaking someone’s hand here in the U.S. Signs of affection are not the same across cultures so it is interesting to see how everyone has their own way of showing their affection.
It makes me think what i would do in a situation like that. The social norms dictate how much of how we react to certain situations and or people. It is a symbol of closeness in our country or even a symbol of connection and yet it can mean something so weird in certain circumstances.
This is definitely true. I remember when we did something like the hand holding experiment in high school for our psychology class and how it changed with our appearances dramatically. The experiment was just saying hi to people , running into them and saying sorry/ excuse me and it was noted that when I was “attractive” and dressed nicely, hair was properly done, Etc. nearly everybody threw a smile back and said it was alright. Wearing a beanie, baggy pants and a big hoodie people were less then friendly to me with half of them getting angry. Interesting how that happens.
This is great. That’s always the hallway were people like to stick to themselves too. I think another interesting experiment would be to introduce himself and say a couple things before trying to hold someones hand and see how successful he was.
I really enjoyed this post! The part where you mentioned that opposites attract, I believe is absolutely true. My boyfriend and I have grown up nothing alike, yet we have the same goals and ambitions. For example, my family is more reserved and less affectionate, where as his is the exact opposite with both. I’ve found that as I have matured, I’ve learned how I wish my family was more communicative and affectionate towards one another. Apart from feeling loved, being affectionate also has the power to create trust. Both are necessary aspects in life.
I know for sure that if someone came up to me in the hallway and tried to hold my hand, I would freak out. I have a personal bubble when it comes to strangers. With my friends and family, I am much more affectionate. I defiantly believe that when it comes to dating and relationships, being physically attracted to someone is always the first step before you get to know a person and see the qualities that they possess. I think once you get past being physically attracted to someone, what matters most is how you get along with one another and that persons treats other people. I believe in the power of hugs too. Sometimes when you are having a hard day or just need to feel that someone cares about you, a hug can go a long way. Hugs help create special bonds of trust between two people.
That video is really funny, but I’m glad it didn’t happen to me because I don’t think I would handle it very well. I don’t like being touched unless its someone really close to me. After reading this article I’m starting to worry that maybe I need to change that and be more affectionate! Why wouldn’t I want all those advantages that were listed for being a more affectionate person?
Who doesn’t enjoy a good hug.. I know I always enjoy an embrace. Whether with friends, family or the girl I think is cute it doesn’t matter, I’m big on hugs. That being said hugs can mean different things. I think of the part in the article based on attraction. When we hug someone we are attracted to it can help it progress and perhaps it will become more affectionate. I know for me that affectionate hugs are really what can boost us up. Affection truly is a fundamental human need. I personally have benefited from affection in my life in a variety of ways and the more that everyone can be more sincerely affectionate the better.
I loved this video! I thought it was hilarious! It is so funny to see everyone’s different reactions to a random stranger trying to hold hands with them. I think affection is such a huge part of our culture as a human race. Growing up my parents were really good about showing us kids affection and love. We were always showed that they cared about us whether through a hug, pat on the back, high five, or a thumbs up. I feel that because of this is part of the reason for who I am today and I want to show the same affection to those around me and my own kids someday.
I am a believer that hugs make us happier and healthier. The video was hilarious but i can tell you right now if someone came up to me to hold my hand or give me a hug without me knowing them I would think they were huge creepers. We all need to let go of ourselves and just be happier even if it’s against social norms.
That video was great, I was actually hanging out with that dork last night. The awkwardness of how certain people react makes it great and you can tell allot about some of these people just by the way they accept or deny the hand holding. Very cool . I never really knew that hugs make people healthier. Now ill have to make sure i pass them out more often!
I liked the videos because they kind of stir the pot, challenge peoples perception and makes us ask really important questions about ourselves and others that we haven’t thought about previously.
The idea that Similarity = Attraction and Complimentary = Attraction really confused me for a long time until I started studying Carl Jung’s work in personality. He divided the personality into four categories: Feeling, Thinking, Sensing, and Intuition, and each get the tag of being either Extroverted or Introverted.
Imagine a couple where one partner’s dominate trait is Extroverted Feeling and the other’s is Introverted Feeling. That would become exhausting; the extrovert would often want to talk about their feelings while the introvert would usually feel more comfortable keeping them inside. If both members of the couple are very mature they could probably find a balance, but it would be very difficult.
But if you imagine a couple where one partner’s dominate trait is Extroverted Feeling and the other has Extroverted Feeling as a secondary trait you can see how perhaps the dominate trait holder could bring out the other’s feelings better than they normally could themselves, which can improve the relationship overall (and if both posses Introverted Sensing as their Secondary and Primary traits respectively then that connection could be even stronger).
first of all, society is wacked:) affection is a human need, and so why are we so uncomfortable by it? affection plays a huge factor when forming relationships. those who seem to have more friends, are most likely the more outgoing and carefree people because they are more affectionate, towards everybody. when you only show affection towards one or two people, that is when seriousness and uncomfortable feelings show. you may or may not be a touchy person, but a hug is a hug and it is something that everyone needs. the best feeling in the world is to be loved and when someone can make you feel loved, whether as a friend or in a more serious relationship, they are more likely to feel loved back.
I believe hugs and any type of affection are so powerful and 100% necessary. I come from a family where we do not share love and emotion with one another. Expressing our feelings towards family member and showing love and affection is just something that we never grew up doing so no one in my family feels all that comfortable hugging, saying I love you, etc. It makes me very sad that my family is not all that loving and affectionate with one another. I know that my family members love me, value you and care about me but I just wish that sometimes they would say it or show it. Hugging anyone, even a friend is something that I find very awkward just because I am not used to it. Even though I struggle with showing and receiving love and affection, I really value hugs, and kind words because those I am not used to receiving or hearing.
Being the affectionate person that I am, I have a hard time with the idea of ‘cooties’, which although most adults grew out if ‘the dreaded cooties’, still find themselves unable or unwilling to show emotion and affection.
It’s sad and funny to read this article for me. The factors to the Attraction Theory is who I work to a dime, thus proving that the researchers were right I guess, but earlier this semester I thought I had found someone that met all my expectations based on those factors, but it didn’t work out, and it made me sad because I was really happy to be around her and was hoping it would work. “Plenty more fish in the sea” I guess.
But the idea of the hug…I love hugging people, more specifically friends. It is something that I got used to randomly starting in Junior High, and though it has been toned down a lot since then, it still stands as something really nice and fun to do, so I think it is funny that it can have such an effect. If I was in the situation, I think I would have rolled with it, but then again….it is really hard to make that call for sure. Really depends on the mood of the time for me.
I completely agree with the power of what a hug can do. Literally I can take a situation and make it something where you know everything’s gonna be okay. There are countless times when I personally have resorted to either receiving or giving a hug to someone in need and it’s amazing as well to see how it change the situation.